Yahweh created an instinct within the animal kingdom to use sex within certain times, almost exclusively for procreation, but Yahweh created a great desire in humans to copulate in every season, seldom caring whether a child is desired. It appears He enhanced the pleasure of the act to encourage humans to engage in sex.
Why this act, and not other human activities?
Eating can be pleasurable, depending on the cook, but eating is essential to a person’s well-being – sex is not. A person can happily live to be over 100 years old without ever having had sex, but they could not survive 100 days without food.
Why sex? Why did Yahweh create couples with an intense desire to have sex?
Like everything else in life, sex can be a blessing or a curse depending on how one practices and/or restrains oneself. Unlike most other things, however, sex can be a great blessing or a great curse; the act intensifies feelings, emotions, and relationships. The act of sex (if done as intended) is very powerful, and often, people wrongly equate the action itself with power, which can lead to criminal behavior (e.g., rape, pedophilia). Satan uses our misconceptions to tempt people into sin and destructive relationships.
Yahweh created sex to be meaningful and to be pleasurable, as evidenced by the following:
- The husband is exempted for the first year from any activity that will cause him to be absent from his bride. (Deuteronomy 24:5)
- A honeymoon of seven days was observed when the husband and wife were secluded from everyone. (Genesis 29:23–28)
- The husband is not to deny sex from his wife, nor is the wife to deny her husband. A period of abstinence is acceptable for a specific purpose, but the couple is admonished to come together again as soon as possible to avoid being tempted to commit sin. (1 Corinthians 7:1–3)
A partial list of Bible verses that speak to the need and rewards of consensual sex in marriage include the following:
- Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Genesis 2:24).
- Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love (Proverbs 5:18–19).
- 1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 5 a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5).
- I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me (Song of Solomon 7:10).
- 8 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn (1 Corinthians 7:8–9).
Men are much more passionate than women and much more willing to act on that passion, but when they fail to observe restraint in inappropriate situations, it can be troublesome for their relationship with a wife and with the Father.
Proper sex evokes intimacy, not power or lewdness. Intimacy is what Yahweh desires to have with us and what we should strive to have with Him. Satan tries to corrupt men by making sex nothing more important than an urge that needs to be gratified or a tool to subordinate others.
Women, outside of marriage, must be more inhibited because of the consequences of unrestrained passion (e.g., shame, pregnancy). Women failing to say no to unrestrained men is a path to civilizational collapse because it perverts necessary relationships that are crucial for raising healthy families.
In the modern era, marriages take place later in life and women must guard their psyche longer. Today, they are more likely to have had numerous sexual relationships before getting married – relationships that may have negative consequences on a future marriage. We teach women that men are predators (which they can be) and that they need to both stifle their natural passion for the good of society and, at the same time, to use their sexual allure to entrap “the right man” – once they obtain a husband, they can often revert back to stifling their emotions (especially if they were betrayed in previous relationships), which is the behavior they may have practiced for many years (or wish they had practiced). This dichotomy of emotions is a puzzlement for husbands and can have unconsidered consequences toward their relationship with their husband and with the Father.
Sex in Marriage
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
(Proverbs 18:22)
Proper sex is always spoken of as a blessing in relation to marriage and as a curse when practiced outside of marriage. The nature of sex evokes strong emotions that are often unprotected outside a married relationship (they can be unprotected within a married relationship also, when the couple is having trouble).
The Word has no prescription as to what is proper sex within a marriage: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).
This doesn’t mean that all sex is a blessing in marriage. A smart couple shared the following diagram in a marriage workshop I attended with my wife:
- A = Every type of sex act possible
- B = Sex acts that the husband is comfortable with
- C = Sex acts that the wife is comfortable with
- D = Sex acts that both are comfortable with
The diagram is obviously different for every couple based on how they desire to express their needs. The football marked as D is fluid due to experimentation by the couple. Generally, the football is safe, but the wife may venture into B or the husband into C as a treat to their spouse.
Unfortunately, the diagram neglects to consider the Father’s guidance.
The sex act should be an intimate display of the love and desire the couple have for each other that has no equal among the couple’s many other relationships. Desire is not necessarily a physical lust for one’s own pleasure but can also be the satisfaction of contributing to one’s spouse’s pleasure. Denigration of the act (e.g., adultery, incest, pedophilia) is not loving and often only serves the desire of one of the participants (the one having control over the other) – it is not a legitimate display of our physical and emotional love that is meant to be reserved for only the one we have committed ourselves to.
Intimacy with Yahweh also demands that we do not degrade ourselves by giving ourselves to Him and to embracing other gods, doctrines, and/or rituals. One’s experiences with intimacy in marriage can influence one’s intimacy with the Father – sex in a healthy marriage can train a couple to be their best for each other and for the Father.
Let’s revisit our earlier Venn diagram:
- A = Every type of sex act possible
- B = Sex acts that the Father blessed
- C = Sex acts that one member or both members are tempted to try
- D = Sex acts that are a blessing to the couple
This diagram brings the married couple in line with the Father’s desire. The marriage bed is “undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4), but that doesn’t mean a couple will want to participate in every type of act permissible. It also accounts for rebellion by one or both partners.
The football marked as D is fluid due to the desires of the couple, but it does not matter the size of the football, it is the blessing that Yahweh intends for His people. Everything outside of B is a curse now (if discovered by the spouse) or later at judgment.
A couple practicing intimacy inside B is more apt to have fulfilling intimacy with the Father, not least of all because they are not violating His precepts at the same time they are seeking intercession with Him. This would be similar to stealing money from a parent and then going to them to ask for a loan – even if you are brazen enough to try it, the parent would surely be less than impressed.
I am no psychologist, and I have not done extensive research on this subject. I began to see a correlation between physical and spiritual intimacy and came to what I believe are some logical conclusions:
- Appropriate Intimacy: A married couple who participates in unrestrained intimacy understands the commitment of time and activity required to bring out the best in each other in relation to all the other responsibilities that compete for their time and energy. They therefore understand the type of time and commitment required to have an intimate relationship with the Father that places Him first in their lives.
- Inappropriate Intimacy: A man (or woman) who has an active sex life in their marriage and an active sex life outside of marriage (adultery) may think they have strong faith in their religious life, but they are probably easily swayed by other unbiblical doctrines also. Just like physical adultery (in which the spouse is aware of the indiscretion – and the Father is aware of everything), trust is breached and is not regained without significant repentance and demonstrated behavioral change.
Ordained men are often tempted by adultery because of the status that is bestowed upon them by the congregation. When worship of the Father is overshadowed by reverence of the reverend, he can will himself to believe his actions are therapeutic (especially if it is a church that teaches that the adherents are not condemned by sin through Christ’s sacrifice – “once saved, always saved”) and women can believe they can take a shortcut to salvation by uplifting the life of the pastor and/or replacing the current Mrs. Pastor.
- Restrained Intimacy: A wife who limits her spouse’s sexual gratification to specific days (e.g., a consistent twice-a-month coitus) is teaching her spouse that intimacy is not important in their relationship. The unintended effects of this could be the limiting of the couple’s intimacy with the Father (e.g., 90 minutes in a pew once a week or the inability to pray at all times – 1Thessalonians 5:17). This can fuel temptation, weaken the couple’s marriage and undermine their faith – without diligent attention, these relationships could falter in times of trouble.
Intimacy in marriage is easy to imagine – two people, revealing themselves completely to their spouse, giving themselves unashamedly and physically in ways that no other person can command. The permission and the trust strengthen their bond. The depiction of intimacy in modern culture is cheap and transitionary – there is only the need to remain with the same partner as long as their carnal desires are satisfied.
Intimacy with the Father is harder to imagine, especially since the world preaches false doctrines concerning faith and our relationship with the Father. It is still vital to lay yourself bare to the Father. You claimed to have accepted the Covenant and/or confessed Christ as your Lord, but do your actions belie your commitment? Do you claim to “be a sinner” (in a dispassionate manner), or do you resolve to learn what the Father has labeled as sin (1John 3:4), repent of committing the sin, and take steps to avoid committing the sin again in the future?
Churches that teach the “once saved, always saved” doctrine recklessly imply that there is no consequence to sin. If one believes they cannot sin, they do not feel a need to ask for forgiveness. Such thoughts and actions repeatedly betray the love and desire of our Father for us.
6 If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. 8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
(1John 1:6-10)
What Is a Marriage?
There is no prescribed ritual for performing a marriage. Traditions change, but the idea that a couple commits to each other, and Yahweh, does not change. The ceremony in a church or performed by a religious person speaks to our desire to have our bond blessed by the Almighty.
My wife and I got married the day before I deployed to Desert Storm. There was no time to plan and execute a traditional ceremony. Though a secular justice of the peace officiated, we still knew our commitment was to Yahweh as well as each other. The JOP even sweetened the deal by throwing in a free fishing license, which came in handy in the deserts of Saudi Arabia and Iraq.
Despite what types of relationships become legalized and/or a cultural norm, this does not change the basic truths of what Yahweh desires in a marriage covenant.
6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
(Mark 9:6–9; also Matthew 19:3–9)
It may be uncomfortable to take a stand on the Word, but if you are entering into a marriage commitment, you are asking for His blessing whether done in a massive church ceremony or done alone with no other witnesses, save for Yahweh. A marriage certificate is only important to the State. You are not asking for the government to bless your union, though you will probably want to participate in the civil benefits of getting a certificate.
Sex Outside of Marriage
Sexual desire is often used by Satan to advance sin inside the community of believers. It is used to draw believers away from true worship and it is used to damage the participants (both willing and unwilling). Sex can be a poisonous force when allowed to be exercised unrestrained. Many sins, taboos, and legal violations are associated with the unfettered exercise of sexual behavior.
I am not advocating imprisoning sexual sinners (unless the sin is grievous – e.g., rape, pedophilia) because we are all guilty of any number of sins. There is a difference between sinning and searing one’s conscience to sin. When we sin, we repent, request forgiveness and attempt to change our undesired behavior. When we justify sin, we render ourselves insensitive to lawlessness and open ourselves up to possible destruction.
Are you stealing cars (Commandment 8)? You may want to stop that. If one justifies theft, then it becomes a way of life, and other more serious crimes become easier to justify. The same is true for lousy sexual behavior.
We can and must lovingly share the Scriptures and let people know what Yahweh has commanded so they can change their behavior from something that can become very destructive (emotionally and physically).
I do not know all the psychological damage that sex outside of marriage (fornication) inflicts (not feeling damaged does not mean that there is no damage), but many of the effects are obvious:
- Using people for sex makes people feel used.
- People may worry about their performance compared to their partner’s previous lovers.
- Previous sexual abuse may cause someone to be incapable of having a normal, healthy relationship.
- All sex is potentially capable of producing offspring, which can cause hardship for those not ready to start a family (especially when the man leaves to avoid the responsibility).
18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
(1Corinthians 6:18-20)
When the apostles tried to resolve the debate over how to train new believers (Acts 15), it was decided that they should be instructed to immediately abstain from four things (I’m assuming they considered them especially destructive to discipleship and community fellowship). They would learn the rest of the Law by attending synagogue each Sabbath.
The first sin listed was idolatry (an especially nasty sin that the Word equates to adultery); the second was fornication. Uncommitted sex harms the body of believers and yourself individually.
If you are participating in this behavior, do not condemn yourself. Repent – convict yourself, ask for forgiveness, and strive to follow Yahweh’s guidelines. Do not continue in sin even if the majority approves of it. The many are never right when they counter the Word.
13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: 14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
(Matthew 7:13–14)
Premarital Sex
This is a subset of fornication in that it is seen as less egregious because it involves a couple who are in love, but have not, yet made the marriage commitment (they claim to be committed to making the commitment someday in the future).
Our culture increasingly teaches that any type of sex (especially between two people in love) is not only okay but also something that should be encouraged and celebrated. Movies, books, education, advertisements, retailers, and the like push the narrative that “everyone is doing it” and that one is not normal if they don’t participate.
I do not know all the psychological damage that premarital sex inflicts (not feeling damaged does not mean that there is no damage), but some of the effects are obvious:
- Any relationship is only as strong as the bond of the least committed partner. A historically relevant, cultural bond (such as marriage) increases the likelihood of a lasting relationship.
- The lack of an actual marriage commitment leaves both people able to easily end the arrangement, causing undue stress that could easily lead to the end of the arrangement.
- The lack of an actual marriage commitment leaves both people free to participate in activities that an actual marriage should preclude, which could easily lead to the end of the arrangement.
- All sex is potentially capable of producing offspring. An uncommitted relationship will be weakened by the unrelenting needs of an infant – one or both parties may find it easier to turn to others to meet their own needs, which could easily lead to the end of the arrangement.
- An arrangement is not a commitment. Both parties are less likely to fight to maintain the arrangement than they would be to fight to maintain an actual marriage.
Paul tells us:
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
(1Corinthians 7:8)
The past cannot be undone, but one can overcome trauma caused by a reckless lifestyle. No partner is perfect and no marriage is perfect. If you burn, find someone who will commit themselves to treat you as God’s Word commands. Commit to that person, and move forward.
Adultery
This was discussed earlier in chapter 2 as one of the Big 10 (Commandment 7).
Yahweh equates adultery with idolatry. He desires an intimate relationship with us and embracing other gods, doctrines, and/or rituals is the same as embracing another person the way your spouse wants and deserves to be embraced by you.
Christ tells us:
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
(Matthew 5:27-28)
This is not the same as remarking that another woman is attractive – lusting means an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about her, making plans that cause unwarranted interactions with her, and engaging in suggestive activities and conversations – any of which could naturally lead to an inappropriate relationship.
Similarly, appreciating the splendor of the Taj Mahal is not adultery. Fixating on the structure, the gods commemorated, and the services performed inside could be.
This behavior is so destructive to the people involved and all others around them that the participants of adultery are condemned to death:
22 If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel. 23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; 24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
(Deuteronomy 22:22–24)
Adultery destroys the trust necessary for intimacy in a marriage
and that trust is not easily (if ever) regained. Idolatry, after having
accepted the Covenant, is equally destructive and Yahweh will not
hold the idolator guiltless (Exodus 20:7)
Society today has tried to normalize it, and the music and movie industries have tried to glorify it (probably because it appears to be so rampant among Hollywood’s elite). There is nothing glorious about it. If you are in an adulterous relationship, end it and “put the evil from among you.”
Adultery is not the only form of inappropriate and destructive sexual activity. A man and a woman in a committed relationship (marriage) is the design of the Father (polygamy – having more than one wife or husband – is not condemned in the Word, but there is no example where it worked out well for all the participants). Sex (intimacy) is the intense glue that helps hold the relationship together through the many trials that life throws at us. All other forms of intimacy (e.g., rape, pedophilia, incest) are immoral and prohibited by the Word and jeopardize normal relationships with a spouse and the Father.
Idolatry, also, takes many forms and betrays the intimacy that Yahweh desires. Ignoring the Word and the Law, violating the Word and the Law, obsessions (e.g., sports, hobbies, politics, money) that severely outweigh the time spent in study and prayer, all betray your commitment to the Covenant with Yahweh and your confession of Christ as your master. These are examples of embracing other gods and not only threaten your relationship with the Father and His son but threaten your status in the afterlife.
Intimacy in marriage is the Father’s example of the balance we must maintain to have a healthy relationship with our spouse and with Christ (the bridegroom).
